


Follow me down with your pick and your plough

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Caring Aaron, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hallucinations, Hopeful Ending, Husbands, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Supportive Aaron, Vulnerable Robert, hurt robert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 04:43:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10297775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: It started with sleepless nights and continued with ghosts. It ended with blood and a breakdown, and when Robert needs him, Aaron is there.Based on a prompt





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Heartneverliez](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heartneverliez/gifts).



> This fic was written for the wonderful Terry (heartneverliez) who is always so supportive of my writing. Thank you so much, love!  
> The prompt was: “I crave a good story about Robert needing help but hiding it for aaron to slowly recognize a problem but will it be too late to save Robert from the problem. It has been my frustration for so long that it's always Aaron that is saved everytime. I really believe they will mix things up in the future but it hasn't happened yet. You can surprise me with the problem. I just couldn't think a specific one that would be good. But that is my craving a good story of Aaron stepping up to the plate and being there for Robert. I want Aaron to have to work at showing his love for Robert by having to save him.”
> 
> I hope you enjoy it :)
> 
>  _Italics indicate the past from Aaron's POV_  
>  _ **Italics and bold = the past from Robert's POV**_  
>  Normal text = the present, which chops and changes until three-quarters of the way through!

Robert looks tiny in a hospital bed.

Aaron had never seen him in one before, surrounded with white and light green covers, grey machines, and greyer skin. He holds his hand gently, because he’s afraid that with too strong a grip, Robert will break. But he also worries that hold him too loose and he’ll drift away. He brushes the hair back from Robert’s forehead, and his husband starts to stir. Aaron freezes.

‘Robert?’

He groans, and Aaron’s on his feet in a heartbeat, calling through the open door for a nurse or a doctor, anyone, please!

On the bed, Robert’s hand is twitching and Aaron is there right away, holding him and looking at him; studying the way that his eyes twitch and flutter, the green-blue lost behind eyelashes.

Then Robert opens his eyes and sees Aaron, and he smiles.

And that is enough to break Aaron’s heart.

****

_It was the end of autumn, and the leaves were starting to fall. Aaron watched Robert from the kitchen table, as his husband cooked dinner for them. The overhead fan made his blond hair rustle slightly, and there was a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. He turned around and caught Aaron staring; he smiled with teeth and wrinkles around the eyes._

_‘Alright, Baby?’_

_‘Yeah.’_

_‘This will be done soon.’ He tapped the wooden spoon on the edge of the pot and turned the heat down. ‘Candlelit dinner, just the two of us.’_

_Aaron scoffed. ‘Candles? You’ll be lucky, mate.’_

_Robert grinned, and Aaron couldn’t resist him. He stood from the table and walked to stand in front of him in four easy strides. Robert encased him in two large hands, and set both of them to swaying. They kissed until the pot started to boil over, and only then did they separate reluctantly. They sat down to dinner ten minutes later, the taste of tomato slowly overcoming the taste of each other on their lips._

****

There is a pure white bandage and a clear strip of tape on top of that over the two year old wound on Robert’s chest. Right over Robert’s heart. Aaron puts his hand there now, and Robert slowly raises his own to entangle their fingers.

Robert’s eyes are as soft as his smile, and Aaron can’t help the tears that he tries to blink away.

‘I’m fine,’ Robert says in that comforting voice that he uses. Aaron doesn’t say that Robert isn’t fine; that there were things that happened which Aaron should have noticed. That he should have pushed harder for answers. But he doesn’t say any of that, because every single part of Aaron’s body is just concentrating on not falling apart right now; on being the support that Robert needs. He leans down and kisses Robert’s forehead softly. He lets his lips linger. He’s never done this for Robert before. That needs to change.

****

_Aaron woke first and Robert was gone. His side of the bed was cold, and Aaron frowned. He hadn’t said anything about starting work early this morning. But when he listened carefully, he heard the loud rumbling of the kettle in the kitchen and he relaxed back into the sheets. Just a few more minutes, then he’d go downstairs._

_**Downstairs, Robert was trembling. His chest hurt and he didn’t know why. He could hear Andy’s voice in his head though, and he could hear the gunshot. And he could hear the beeping of the heart monitors even though Vic had told him he’d passed out. He took a shaky breath and let it out harshly. He did this three more times, and then he paused. There was movement from their bedroom and Robert forced himself to calm down. By the time Aaron was there, Robert was sitting at the table sipping his fifth coffee of the morning, and well into his game of pretence.** _

_****_

_It was the third day in a row that Robert was awake and up before him. Aaron was placated with his answers of ‘Since Nicola and Jimmy are on their second honeymoon, guess who has to pick up the slack’ and didn’t ask anymore. Except Robert worked early in the morning without breakfast, and Aaron swore that he didn’t leave the house or scrapyard for lunch, and after dinner, he’d immediately open his laptop again._

_There were bags under his eyes._

_‘Honestly, there’s just so much to get through, and if I don’t do it now, it’ll leave me even more work when the two of them get back.’_

_And so Aaron left him to it._

_**Robert’s hands were shaking. He stuffed them into his pockets whenever he could. He carried on.** _

****

Aaron is vigilant. He can’t afford not to be, not anymore. The slightest movement from the bed, the slightest whimper from his husband, and Aaron is there: holding his hand, patting his hair, kissing his knuckles.

Vic and Diane visited an hour ago, and Vic couldn’t bring herself to look at Aaron whilst she talked to Robert and reassured him that everything was fine. It was only after, when her brother was being distracted by Diane, that she called him into the corridor, and told him that he should be looking out for Robert better; that Aaron’s his husband and it’s what he’s supposed to do.

But Robert hides and lies so well.

It’s no excuse, Vic says.

Aaron looks really closely now, whenever Robert talks.

****

_Aaron had Robert pinned beneath him. The bed shook with their movements, and sweat prickled Aaron’s back as he gave Robert everything he could. When he came, Aaron dropped his head onto Robert’s chest, and he couldn’t miss the hiss that his husband let out between gritted teeth._

_He whipped his head up instantly. ‘What’s wrong?’_

_Robert shook his head. ‘Nothing. You’re heavy, that’s all.’_

_And Aaron forgot the look in his husband’s eye to playfully hit him instead, and Robert’s hiss was replaced by his laughter, and things were okay again._

_**After Aaron left their bed to clean up, Robert rubbed his chest gingerly. It hurt to touch, and he didn’t know if the pain was actually there, or if it was his mind playing tricks on him. He didn’t know which was worse.** _

_****_

_‘When was the last time Sugden even had a day off?’_

_Aaron looked up from his stew and stared at Cain. ‘I dunno. Last Sunday.’ Well, Robert said that he didn’t have to work, but Aaron still caught him with the laptop open, and his coffee mug making circular stains on the kitchen table._

_He couldn’t come to tea with the family at Wishing Well because he said he had things to do. Before when he’d made that excuse, Aaron could rely on Liv to keep an eye on him, but she was away at college. Robert had told Aaron to go, so he had. Part of him now wished that he hadn’t._

_He couldn’t remember the last time he saw Robert actually asleep. Aaron usually fell asleep before him, and when he woke, Robert was already out of bed and working._

_**He was tired. His eyes could barely stay open. But Robert couldn’t sleep. Because every time he tried, he heard voices.** _

_**He heard his Dad, he heard Andy and Katie. Sometimes he heard his Mum.** _

_**He kept a mug of coffee next to him and he took sips of it every time he felt his eyes start to close. The action—even if not the caffeine itself—was enough to keep him awake. Suddenly—** _

_**—Hands on his shoulders. Fingers across his neck. Robert shot to his feet. Nothing. No one.** _

_**His hands shook as he brought the mug to his lips again to take another sip of the coffee.** _

_**Soon it wouldn’t be enough.** _

_****_

_Aaron hadn’t noticed anything amiss when he returned home. Robert was upstairs, in bed, reading. He smiled at him and got one in return. Robert’s eyes were red._

_‘How’s the family?’ Robert asked. It still gave Aaron a thrill to hear him refer to the Dingles as ‘the family’; that there was no distinction between Robert’s and Aaron’s—the Dingles were _theirs_ now._

_‘They’re fine. They say hi.’_

_Robert smiled, and Aaron took great joy in knowing that the love of his life and his family had reached the stage that they can be happy about each other now. It made life easier. He crossed the room and kissed Robert deeply. His mouth tasted strongly of mint._

_He smiled. ‘Ready for bed then?’_

_‘Mmhm.’_

_‘I’m just gonna shower.’ He kissed him again, quicker, though a promise was still there. ‘Won’t be long.’ He left Robert smiling in the bed._

_**Aaron didn’t notice the way Robert’s smile shattered when he was alone again.** _

****

It was exhaustion, the doctors say.

Lucky he didn’t try to drive, the doctors say.

Lucky? Aaron and Adam had found Robert shivering on the side of the road. It would have been better if he _had_ been in a car.

Aaron studies Robert closely; his very own subject. How hadn’t he seen? How could he let his husband get to this stage?

‘He hides it well, love,’ his Mum says when Aaron asks her, his voice deep and gruff and shaking with tears. ‘You know Robert.’

And that’s the thing: he does know Robert. So how could he not have seen this?

****

_Days went on. Aaron started to wonder when his husband slept at all._

_‘I sleep!’ was always the indignant answer. ‘Don’t worry, Baby.’_

_And then he’d kiss him and kiss him until Aaron did, in fact, stop worrying for a while._

_Adam called one night. Robert was at the table, papers spread out, pen in one hand, fingers of the next hand typing a stream of numbers. Aaron watched him worriedly from the sofa until the ringing phone caught his attention._

_‘Adam wants to go out,’ Aaron said. He bit his lip. It had been a while since he and his best mate had hung out, but he was loath to leave Robert alone. Robert, however, took the decision away from him._

_‘Then go,’ he said. A smile stretched his lips. He didn’t show his teeth anymore, but Aaron had caught a glimpse of them when he talked sometimes: stained brown by coffee. He hid the bottle from Robert; tucked it away behind the Dettol and the Flash, but Robert had just bought another one. It was a stupid plan, really, but he wanted Robert to know that Aaron knew he was watching him. Robert hadn’t caught on._

_Aaron looked him over, then looked at Robert’s hands. They were shaking. He gripped the pen tighter. ‘Robert—’_

_‘I’ll probably be asleep soon anyway.’ He yawned, and Aaron nodded. If Aaron was here, it’d probably distract Robert enough that he wouldn’t sleep. ‘Go on. You haven’t seen Adam in ages.’_

_So he kissed Robert goodnight and left him._

_****_

_**Robert had the unpleasant feeling of being watched, yet there was no one else at home. But then there was a sharp chink—like the time Aaron broke the glass when he was washing up.** _

_**He crept into the kitchen…** _

_**There was a man at the window…** _

_**… ‘Robert…’** _

_**He screamed and fled, out of the kitchen, out of the house. Ranranranranranranranranran….** _

_**Until his chest hurt.** _

_**Until he realised that he was bleeding.** _

_**Until he heard Jack’s voice and saw Jack’s eyes and felt Jack’s hand across his face and saw nothing and saw everything and…** _

_**…** _

_**It was silent…** _

_**The** _

_**stars** _

_**went** _

_**out** _

_**every** _

_**single** _

__

                                                        **one**

_****_

_Aaron arrived home and the lights were on._

_Aaron arrived home and Robert wasn’t there._

_Aaron arrived home and saw blood smeared on the wall._

_****_

_‘Adam! Adam, help me please!’_

_‘Aaron, hey calm down. What’s up?’_

_‘It’s Robert. Robert—he-he’s not home, and there’s blood on the wall. Vic I’m sorry I’m so sorry.’_

_‘C’mon, mate. We’ll go look for ‘im, yeah? Stay here, Vic, in case he comes here.’_

_****_

_They went out searching, and Aaron felt that his world was crashing down around him. Because losing Robert… he couldn’t bear the idea. It wasn’t possible for him to lose Robert. After their rocky start and even rockier middle, they’d finally reached a place where they were together. He couldn’t lose him. He just couldn’t._

_‘Adam… wh-what if I can’t find him?’_

_‘You will, mate. We’ll find him, alright?’_

_‘I should have asked him. I should have just asked him.’_

_Adam didn’t ask what he should have asked. He just squeezed Aaron’s shoulder, and Aaron hated that Adam was being kind to him._

_****_

_‘Oh god. Adam… wh-what—no. No!! Robert!’_

****

Hallucinations, the doctor says. It’s probably why Robert lashed out when Aaron tried to wake him up, when they found him on the side of the road.

Robert still won’t tell Aaron what he saw. Sometimes though he sees Robert’s eyes flicker to the window, and Aaron gets scared.

Robert’s hand goes to his chest then, and starts to scratch at the bandages. He’d scratched himself raw at home, the night that he went missing. Pain, tiredness, caffeine. Not a good cocktail.

He hadn’t lost a lot of blood, but it had been enough to get under his fingernails, and it was certainly enough to panic him when he’d seen it seep through his shirt. Zak has washed the blood off the wall in the house, from where Robert’s fingers swept across it the night he left. He painted over it as well, just for good measure.

****

Robert’s allowed to come home. The doctors say that Aaron should keep an eye on Robert just in case. Aaron doesn’t plan on letting Robert out of his sight. He goes out to David’s and he feels nervous. He’s tempted (almost) to ask Tracey to stand watch at the end of the road, to make sure his husband doesn’t leave the house.

It takes him three minutes to buy a loaf of bread and some milk, and Aaron runs back home.

Robert’s not where he left him, in the living room. Aaron drops the bread and milk where he stands and rushes upstairs.

‘Rob? Rob?’

A noise in the bathroom, and Aaron thinks about his own scars; about razors and mirrors and blood, and he would break down the door if he has to…

But the door is unlocked, and Robert’s standing by the mirror.

‘Forgot how to knock?’ Robert says.

Aaron’s panting. ‘I thought—’ He doesn’t need to finish that sentence. They both know what he thought. But Robert’s shirt is open, and he’s looking at himself closely, and so Aaron should be forgiven for jumping to conclusions.

The bandage is gone. It was a precaution, the nurse had said. They’d slathered antibiotic cream on his chest just in case he’d got an infection from his fingernails; then they’d put the bandage on it to make sure he hadn’t scratched at it. They’d told Aaron to watch him.

Robert catches Aaron’s eyes as his husband studies him in the mirror. He buttons his shirt again and pushes past him, goes into their room. It’s their first night back at home, and Aaron doesn’t know if Robert will be able to sleep. If he doesn’t, Aaron will stay awake with him. Robert sits on the edge of the bed. Aaron leans against the dresser. He knows for himself that when he’s feeling this way, the last thing he wants is people around him, crowding him: makes him feel like he’s in a cage. He doesn’t know if it’s the same for Robert. He doesn’t know what Robert needs, he’s ashamed to say.

‘Can you talk to me about it?’ Aaron asks.

Robert’s hand starts to move to his chest, but he stops himself and drops it in his lap.

‘I’m fine.’

‘No you’re not.’

He says it matter-of-factly, because of _course_ Robert’s not fine.

Robert’s mouth curls into a nasty sneer. ‘Go on then. Diagnose me. You must know everything, yeah? You have enough issues for the both of us. You must know what I have.’

Aaron doesn’t even flinch. He knows that Robert doesn’t mean it, and because he knows that he doesn’t mean it, he doesn’t let it hurt him.

When Aaron doesn’t retaliate, Robert backs down. He’s not like he used to be. He doesn’t push and push and push until Aaron has no choice but to push back. Because that’s how the trouble starts. And that’s how the trouble needs to be avoided.

Aaron sighs. ‘Talk to me, Robert.’

‘Why? It won’t make any difference.’

‘No, that’s true. But maybe I can try to understand, and try to help you cope.’

Robert bites his lip until it’s red. He can’t look at Aaron, but he can’t look at anything else either. His fingers keep twitching, and Aaron guesses it’s because he wants to scratch his chest. He thinks about blood on the wall, and Robert shivering on the side of the road. It makes Aaron’s head swim, thinking about life without Robert.

He kneels in front of him and takes his hand.

‘Whatever this is,’ he says, ‘I’m here, okay. You’re not alone. I’m always here.’

Robert nods. Aaron hasn’t always been there; not enough to notice, and not enough to push. But he is now. And he desperately hopes it’s not too late, and he desperately hopes that he’s kind of enough for Robert, and he desperately hopes that Robert still trusts him.

‘I love you so much.’ Aaron kisses Robert’s knuckles. He presses his forehead to them and cries over them. ‘I love you so much, Robert. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t, Aaron. It’s not… it’s not you.’

Aaron doesn’t hesitate for a second. ‘No, but it is.’ Robert shakes his head, and Aaron squeezes his hand. ‘I shouldn’t have left you to it. I should have pushed you for answers.’

‘Yeah, and I could have told you earlier.’ Robert pulls his hands out of Aaron’s, but only to cup his husband’s face. He runs his fingers through Aaron’s beard, and Aaron notices that Robert’s calmed a bit.

Aaron turns his head and kisses Robert’s thumb. ‘There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, you know.’

‘I know.’

He grips Robert’s wrists, rubs his thumb across Robert’s pulse point. ‘So let me help? The way you’ve always helped me.’

Robert takes a shuddering breath. ‘I keep seeing my Dad,’ he says quietly. Robert’s pulse starts to gallop, Aaron can feel it. He rubs soothing circles around his wrists, even as his mind goes into overdrive, because isn’t this how Belle started? ‘It started with my chest hurting, and then I kept thinking about Andy and—and being shot. And then my Dad.’ He cries then, but he doesn’t sob or weep. He just cries silently, and somehow it makes Aaron’s heart ache even more. ‘I don’t know why I keep seein’ him,’ he says through his tears. ‘But whenever I do, I feel like I’ve let him down, and then I feel so guilty because… because you make me _so happy_ , Aaron. And I love you so much.’ He breaks down little by little, first his shoulders hunching, then his lip quivering, and Aaron has never wanted to protect his husband more than he has at this very moment.

‘Listen to me,’ he says. ‘Robert, you are not a disappointment. Are you listenin’? I couldn’t ask for anyone better, okay? I couldn’t ask for a better husband, or a better kind-of step-dad for Liv.’ That makes Robert laugh at least, and Aaron smiles just a bit. ‘You’re amazing. And I know that no matter what I say, it’s not gonna be magically better, but I want to help, however I can.’

Robert takes one of his hands back to wipe at his face, but the other lingers on Aaron’s cheek, the thumb brushing so soft and so close to Aaron’s lips, as if they’re something sacred. ‘You being here helps,’ Robert says. He says it with a certainty and a strength that Aaron hasn’t heard in his voice for the past two days.

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ Aaron promises. He takes Robert’s hand, the one that had wiped the tears away and kisses it. ‘I promise you. I’m gonna help you through this. Whatever you need.’

Robert nods. He pulls Aaron up, enough to hug him. And Aaron clenches his arms around Robert and feels for the first time in a while that they’ve crossed some kind of barrier, as he feels Robert melt into his arms, and feels his tears dampen his shirt. ‘It’s okay, Darlin’,’ he says. ‘It’s okay. I’ve got you.’

**Author's Note:**

> Come have a nosy on tumblr! [Port in a Storm](http://www.portinastorm.tumblr.com)
> 
> Title is a line from 'Kitchen Door' by Wolf Larsen


End file.
